


No One Ever Said It Would Be This Hard

by Before_i_sleep



Series: Nobody Said It Was Easy [1]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: AU where Ed keeps his automail arm and his alchemy, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Gen, Not Epilogue Compliant, Post-Promised Day, Winry Rockbell is a good friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-05-05 03:12:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14608017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Before_i_sleep/pseuds/Before_i_sleep
Summary: It’s hard to do stuff for yourself when you’ve spent your whole life living for someone else.Or,“Don’t wait for me. You’re my best friend, and I’m asking you as your friend, don’t wait for me to come back for good, because I don’t think that’s ever gonna happen.”





	No One Ever Said It Would Be This Hard

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve had this idea for a while, bc I love FMA:B but I hated parts of the ending. I was inspired to actually *write* it by the fic Come What May by Batsutousai, and there are gonna be some similar elements in the series, but this is my own story. Y’all should definitely go read that too tho, it’s awesome.
> 
> A few small changes from canon that aren’t really important for this fic, but may affect future fics in this series: Al didn’t trade his soul for Ed’s arm, he just transmuted his automail back to more or less its normal shape (or close enough to survive the fight with). However sometime during that fight Al’s blood seal was damaged, so Hohenheim used the last of his stone to save him. Greed’s death didn’t happen, but he did disappear and nobody knows if he’s alive/where he is. Darius and Heinkel are still in the military, and will come into play in later fics bc I love them.
> 
> Please leave kudos & comments, I love you all

Ed had never given much thought to what he would do after he had Al got their bodies back. There had always been a rather vague notion of returning to a Resembool permanently, but even that he hadn’t considered too deeply. He hadn’t had time for that, after all, he’d had a philosopher’s stone to find.

But now that their dream had become reality, he was stumped. Almost nine months had passed since the Promised Day. Almost nine months ago, Hohenheim sacrificed the last of his stone to give Al his body back. Greed disappeared. General - well, now Fuhrer - Grumman gave him a year of leave to help Al recover and to decide if he was going to stay with the military. He hadn’t mentioned that one to Winry and Pinako; he didn’t want to add to their stress as they tried to help Al.

The point was, he had been in Resembool almost nine months and he was growing restless. He wanted to stay with Al until he was fully recovered, but he hadn’t stayed in one place for this long since he was 11. He was going crazy with the utter slowness of the town. Everything moved at a snail’s pace, when it moved at all. At first, he’d been grateful for the change of pace, but he was now wondering how he’d ever thought he could live like this, with this skin-crawling restlessness. He didn’t know how Winry and Pinako did it.

Winry. That was another thing.

He had promised her he would come home after his search was done, and it was done. And his promise, well, there had been certain implications when he made it, namely that his stay would be permanent and that he and Winry would have a... relationship. Romantically. He had meant it when he said it, but things had changed. He had changed, and so had his feelings.

He didn’t want that anymore. As guilty as the admission made him feel, he didn’t want to be tied down to this little town that didn’t feel like home anymore. And Winry was one of his best friends, but he didn’t any more than that from her.

But he had implied that he did, and he was pretty sure Winry had felt the same way at the time. It had been months since he came back, and neither of them brought it up.

It figured that these issue were resolved on a night that he was sitting in the front porch, looking up at the stars, just like he had done with Al and Winry countless times when they were children. It was a chilly night, and Granny and Al had already gone to bed. He’d thought Winry had too, but apparently he was mistaken.

He heard the front door open and close behind him, and Winry’s soft footfalls as she sat down beside him, feet resting on the steps.

He didn’t greet her, which would normally have elicited a smack on the head, but tonight Winry was quiet too for a while. Eventually, though, she broke the silence.

“Did I do something?”

Ed blinked. What?

He turned to look at her more closely. “Why would you think that?” he asked.

“Mainly because you’ve been avoiding me,” she pointed out as if it should’ve been obvious - and yeah, now she sounded a little more like herself. Even though what she said didn’t make sense.

“I haven’t been avoiding you,” he protested.

Winry gave him a skeptical glance, “Then what do you call it? You’re never alone in a room with me anymore purely by coincidence? Hell, you usually find a reason not to be in the same room as me at all.”

Ed started to argue again, then paused. He... had been trying not to be in a room alone with Winry. And he sometimes took preemptive measures and left when he thought that the others were about to leave them alone together. He hadn’t meant to avoid Winry. He just… felt uncomfortable. Knowing that she expected him to stay here for the rest of his life, while he intended to leave, made talking to her hard.

“Sorry,” he finally said. Her expectant look didn’t stop though, and be realized that wouldn’t be enough. She wanted an explanation. She deserved an explanation. “Winry... I can’t stay here. In Resembool.”

Her face went through a myriad of emotions quickly before settling on tired, resigned. She already knew, he realized. Of course she knew.

“It’s been great spending so much time with you and Granny, but Resembool... it’s not my home. Hasn’t been for a long time.”

“But it could be,” she said, and for once he couldn’t tell what she was thinking. Her voice gave no clues. “If you wanted it to.”

“I don’t.”

That was all there was to say. No amount of apologies or sugar coating would change the truth.

“So you’re leaving?” Her voice was less accusing than he’d expected, but just as sad, which he now decided was worse. She took his silence for a yes. “When?”

He shrugged. “Whenever Al is ready for me to leave I guess.”

She looked up at him, her loose hair framing her face and her eyes scrunched with realization. It occurred to him in the back of his mind that a couple years ago he would’ve been flustered at the sight, but now there was nothing. Further proof that he was making the right decision.

“You aren’t taking Al with you?” she asked.

“Al needs to stay here until he’s recovered, and after that, he already has plans to go to Xing,” he explained.

“Is that all?” Winry prompted.

Ed swallowed. That wasn’t all, of course. She deserved to know why he was breaking his promise. “Look, Winry, I…. for the longest time, it’s been just us. Me and Al against the world. He was my world, if you wanna get extra cheesy. He needed me, and it was my own fault. And I- I love him. I just. Ugh, I don’t know.”

He felt a hand on his automail arm, causing him to release the fist he hadn’t noticed was clenched. He ran a hand through his hair helplessly. He knew what he felt, he just didn’t know how to say it. He wasn’t good at this, talking. He wasn’t a mushy guy.

Winry’s voice cut through his thoughts. “You don’t have to tell me this.”

“No, I do,” he insisted, “You deserve to know. I want you to know.”

He closed his eyes, clasping his hands together. After a few moments to gather his thoughts, he tried again to articulate them as best he could. “After the transmutation, getting Al’s body back was my purpose in life. It was the reason I got up in the mornings. Everything I did was to that purpose. For him. I chose to dedicate my life to him. It was no one’s decision but my own, and I wouldn’t go back and change it even if I could.”

He took a deep breath. Here comes the crux of the issue. “But... Al has his body back now. My purpose is fulfilled. And I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. No, scratch that, I know what I’m supposed to do. Hawkeye told me, she said I needed to learn how to ‘live for myself’ or whatever. And I don’t really know how to do that, but I don’t - I don’t think I can do it with Al. If I’m with him, I know I’ll just slip back into that old mindset, trying to live for him. I don’t wanna do that, even though it would be easier. I gotta figure it out on my own.”

Ed waited apprehensively for Winry’s reply. She was quiet for a long moment, long enough for Ed to wonder if she was going to say anything at all. When she finally did speak, it was uncertain and halting. “I get it,” she began, “I do. You have to do this. And I’m… proud of you. For everything. And for this. I know it’s hard to do stuff for yourself when you’ve spent your whole life living for someone else. I’m proud of you.” Her voice broke at the last sentence, and Ed felt a stab of panic as he realized she was crying.

“Hey, don’t be like that,” he said, maybe a little desperately, “C’mon, don’t cry. It’ll be fine. I’ll come and visit more often than I did before, I promise.”

Winry rubbed a hand over her eyes, sniffing. She didn’t like crying anymore than Ed liked seeing her cry. “I know. I know. It’s fine. I just - I’ll miss you. It’s been so nice, you living here. Just being able to see you whenever I want. I’ll be fine though. It’ll just take some getting used to again.”

She looked up at him with a teary smile, and Ed stiffened as he felt arms wrap around his shoulders. He reciprocated the hug awkwardly, patting her back. Hugging was another thing he was not good at.

“Winry,” he said as softly as he was capable of speaking, because this was important and she needed to hear it, “Don’t wait for me. You’re my best friend, and I’m asking you as your friend, don’t wait for me to come back for good, because I don’t think that’s ever gonna happen.”

She hugged him harder, burying her head in his shirt, and made what he assumed to be a noise of understanding. He has known she would understand. She wouldn’t like it. It would hurt her. But she would understand.

There was nothing he hated more than seeing Winry cry. She was his best friend, and she deserved every drop of happiness in the world. She had suffered enough, yet here he was adding to her sadness. Selfish, whispered the part of his mind that had been doubtful since the day he’d first started growing unsatisfied with life in Resembool.

Maybe he was being selfish, but he had no choice. This was best for everyone. Al needed to learn how to live without Ed just as much (although, Ed suspected he would probably have an easier time of it; he always was the stronger of the two). And Winry - when Al was fully recovered, she would go back to Rush Valley and continue practicing automail there. She had other friends there. She would be fine. More than fine in fact; Rush Valley was where she thrived.

Ed didn’t really know whether Al would decide to stay in Resembool long-term or not, but he knew he would be paying Mei a visit in Xing eventually, after he was back to full strength. That wouldn’t be for a good while though.

Pinako would stay in Resembool, of course, and she would be fine. She was a tough old lady. She could handle goodbyes.

Not that it would really be goodbye. He would visit, definitely more often than he had when he was on his mission to get Al’s body back. If there was anything he truly regretted about their quest, it was how he’d neglected his relationships with Winry and Pinako.

Winry’s tears eventually slowed, and she pulled her arms back and instead leaned her head on his shoulder, not minding the cold metal. Ed relaxed, angling his head to rest on top of hers. It felt like the air had been cleared between them. He felt lighter. She knew. It would be easier to tell the others now. She was still upset, obviously, but for the first time since this awful, bone-deep restlessness had set in, he felt something close to peace. He closed his eyes and tried to soak in the feeling, afraid that if he opened them again he would wake up and the feeling would be gone, never real in the first place.

They stayed like that for a while, until Winry finally decided that they needed to go back inside or he was going to get frostbite (nevermind that it wasn’t even near freezing). Winry ordered Ed to make them hot chocolate, and they stayed up on the couch talking about different things, lighter things. He enjoyed the conversation, and he could tell Winry did too.

The next morning, Pinako came downstairs to find two of her grandchildren asleep on the couch, unflattering drool on the cushions where each of their heads lay. She tutted and went to make herself some coffee. If they woke up under a blanket they hadn’t had when they fell asleep and last night’s mugs put up, well, that was none of her business.

**Author's Note:**

> I woud literally sell my soul for comments.
> 
> This is the first fma fic I’ve written, and I’m not sure how in-character my writing of Winry was tbh, but I did my best so it’s all good. The title was inspired by The Scientist by Coldplay, bc altho the lyrics are kinda the opposite of this story, the music itself and the vibe of the song fit with what I was going for.  
> Also I swear I will eventually update Where the Monsters Are (I legit have the next fic I just haven’t gotten around to editing & posting it)  
> Maybe check out my tumblr @generally-fantastic-things, if you feel like it


End file.
